.seeds.

•November 12, 2009 • Leave a Comment

the crunching sound of the leaves beneath his boots was deafening. the contrast of the silent valley broken by his presence. he felt almost ashamed to be disturbing something so untouched by man.

he stopped a moment to take in the natural sounds around him; the wind rushing swiftly, but softly through the southern beech trees. the sweeping rush of the wairaurahiri river. a pair of snarky birds playing, or fighting; there was no way to tell. he pulled in a breath of the cool, clean air and mused that he may be the first person ever to stand in this spot. guaranteed, he was one of a very few who had.

he continued on his journey, following the river to the foveaux strait. jones was to meet him there with his boat and they would make the trip across the strait to stewart island.

the rough trail began to lead him closer to the river and he knew that soon he would be traveling along the river’s edge. this would be his means of travel all the way to the strait and his journey on the tough inland terrain would be done.

he broke the tree line expecting to see the quiet beauty of the wairaurahiri river and the majestic kepler mountains.

what he did not expect to see was another person.

the moment he spotted the seated figure by the waters edge he froze, thinking he might startle them; but they made no reaction to his presence.

did he hear me?

stepping closer, he contemplated what he was going to say. “um..” he cleared his throat, “is everything alright here?”

no response.

he took a step closer, all the while taking in any information he could observe on the still figure. he noticed two bright red braids extending from the deep green knitted cap.

a woman?

her jacket was a light wind-breaker that closely matched the green of her stocking cap. he could see the quality of the material from his position; a good three yards behind her.

she was experienced, that was clear, but he could not tell why she was just sitting there. was something wrong? was she injured? he looked to the left and right to observe anything that might be out of the ordinary. nothing.

he stepped forward again until he was directly behind her. save for the steady rise and fall of her shoulders as she breathed, she had not moved. so he reached out a hand and lightly touched her shoulder.

the contact startled her from her reverie and she sucked air in quickly through her teeth and spun around defensively.

he stepped back, hands raised with his palms up to show her that he wasn’t planning to hurt her in any way. realizing her over-reaction, her defiant scowl melted into a sheepish expression marred by a pink stain rising in her cheeks.

“i’m so sorry,” he spoke quietly, not so much for her benefit but for the nature surrounding them, “i didn’t mean to startle you, i only wanted to see if you were alright.” his low voice sounded alien to him. he hadn’t spoken in…what?…more than 5 days?

“no,” her voice was unsteady, “it’s i who must apologize. you were only being kind.”

the melodic lilt in her voice was comforting and familiar, but one he hadn’t heard in years.

“you from waterford?”

she tilted her head in curiosity “kilkenny, actually. you know ireland?”

“i lived there for a time,” he paused for a moment contemplating whether he should give any more information to this perfect stranger and decided that at least his name wouldn’t hurt, “i’m william…well, liam to most.”

“brigh.”

“is that short for sabrina?”

the corner of her mouth turned up in a sly smile “no. just brigh. b-r-i-g-h.”

he chucked a bit, “you are irish, aren’t you?”

” ‘fraid so,” her quiet laugh matched his.

they stood for a moment just staring at each other. their mutual shock of finding another person in this pristinely undisturbed environment still reverberated in the air. he took in her appearance. as he noticed before, she was an experienced hiker; if the fact that she was even in this place didn’t give that away then her clothes did. brigh had the fair complexion and red hair easily associated with the irish, but her eyes were unique. they were the color of clear amber and, it seemed, the longer he looked at them the brighter they burned.

conversely, brigh was making her own assumptions about liam. he was very tall and thin. he’s almost too thin, like a reed. if she hadn’t run into him in this wilderness she never would have pegged him as “outdoorsy” let alone a hiker who was worth his weight in salt. there was something in his face, though. trustworthy was the only way she could put it into words; which was strange, as her trust for people was limited if not non-existent.

after what seemed like an eternity of silence, liam finally broke the silence “so, is everything alright? you seemed…preoccupied.”

brigh looked down at her feet and let out a soft sigh, “i’m alright. i was just in that place…” she paused, realizing she was speaking to a complete stranger. but there was something about him. about this place. this time. her pride didn’t matter. her privacy didn’t matter. she belonged to this place.

so she looked up and continued, “i was just wishing.”

“wishing?”

“wishing.”

“for what?”

“to have another life. to be someone else. to be something else.”

something else?”

“if i could stretch my arms, they could become branches and my legs would become roots. i would dig into the rich, unspoiled soil by this paradise and live out my days as a tree.”

he watched her as she spoke and it seemed to him that she was speaking more to herself and to this place than to him. her eyes slid across the landscape and drank in every bit of grace. he stayed silent and waited for her to speak again.

“i could pull myself into a ball so tight that i would become a seed. i would plant myself here and spread every part of my body into the soil. then i’d reach to the sun. my leaves would be soft and my petals would be lavender.” she smiled to the sky, “i wouldn’t be the most beautiful flower, though…i’d be a wildflower. quiet and tall.”

she turned slowly and resumed her seated position next to the waters edge. liam wanted her to continue, but he didn’t want to break her reverie. he moved slowly to her side and sat next to her, looking upon the grandeur of the sweeping landscape.

“i’d unravel my leaves and take the sun into my core. if i were a flower, or a tree, i would sway with the wind; let her caress my limbs and sing me to sleep. i would bask in the silver light of the moon and turn my face to greet him every evening.

and the sun…oh, the sun! he would bring me warmth and a smile that i cannot seem to find in this body.”

tears had begun to slowly stream down her face and liam wondered what pain had created such grief.

there weren’t words in that moment, so he just leaned closer to her and put his hand against her back. she responded to the gesture of a friend and leaned into his shoulder.

they sat that way and watched the sun slip quietly into the great beyond.

.embrace.

•November 8, 2009 • Leave a Comment

feet pounding on the pavement. so hard my teeth are slamming together.

God, help me.

I run faster. Breathing is becoming increasingly difficult. Lungs tighten. The furnace begins to spread. The muscles in my stomach ache. My thighs and my calves are on fire; it spreads until I feel like every part of my body is burning.

Please.

Pushing myself, I continue to run. The pain is nothing. I embrace the pain. I need to feel something, anything other than this black hole through the center of me. The pain reminds me that I am still alive. I can still breathe. I can still fight. I will not go silently.

I am running from nothing. I am dying in this internal prison; waiting for someone pull me out. Watching helplessly as this disease consumes every good thing. I am running to remind myself that I’m still here. It hasn’t taken me. It hasn’t taken everything I love.

I don’t want to feel alone in this. I can’t do this alone. I can’t.

I want to talk to someone…to share the burden on my soul. But sharing this with someone else is unthinkable right now. I’m afraid that if I ask anyone to help me, it would surely break them.

I need You. I need to know that You’re there and that I’m not in this alone.

I feel a drop. cool and large on my forearm.

Then another…and another.

The clouds pour out and the rain envelopes my tired body and soul. It is the cool that tames the furnace in my soul. It is the comfort that soothes my burning body.

It is the embrace that I need.

a new day

•November 1, 2009 • Leave a Comment

so. it’s been a while since i’ve updated anything, written anything, done…anything.

so, i think i’m going to try to pick up writing on this here page once again. not going to set rules for myself (i.e. length, how often to post, etc.) and i don’t expect too many people to even come across this page, but i miss writing. i need to exercise the muscles before they atrophy and i lose all ability to form a coherent thought in written form.

.not the same.

•June 1, 2008 • Leave a Comment

the weight was unbearable. the pain…indistinguishable.

the same question continued to roll through my brain like storm clouds in the summer sky. what did i do? i couldn’t process the situation.

how could it ever get to this point? was i that bad of a friend? was it truly that easy to betray me?

i sat on the porch swing, staring at the even planks that made the base of the porch. i studied the small cracks that veined their way across the surface. this was a place of comfort and the only place i could think of coming. i had to have some semblance of normalcy and this was the only thing that made any sense.

the breeze skimmed my skin and brought the early scent of rain. clean and warm. i closed my eyes and took in the fragrant air in an attempt to clear my mind.

i don’t know how long i sat there. just breathing.

when did life become so messy?

i opened my eyes and the sky opened up.

daily dime: .rules.

•June 9, 2007 • 1 Comment

sometimes this feels like a game. this life.
a game.
one who’s rules are a mystery to me and will remain so.
why do i pull away when it hurts? before it hurts?

not sure it will.

i just tell myself it will. i can justifiy it then.
i have an excuse. one big and looming.
hard and brittle and obvious so that no on can ask ‘why’.
they’ll feel bad for asking, and i’ll let them.
i don’t need your pity, but i can use it to my advantage.

how can i tell if you really care?
do i really want that?
will that take away my excuse to leave?

i wish someone would explain the rules.

we’d love you a lot less if you weren’t dumb.

•June 5, 2007 • 3 Comments

so yeah. here we are, yet again. me slacking on the daily dime so much that i feel an apology is in order. i’ve just been so unmotivated to write as of late and it kind of sucks. i wish…oh how i wish…i had more faith in my ability to write something.

half of my inability to write comes from this nagging feeling that i have no idea what i’m doing and it’d just be easier if i left it up to those with talent (aka. the daily dimers). some days i feel like i’m just being a big baby and i need to get over myself and just write…so i do. but the next step is putting it out there for everyone, and that’s where i have difficulty. i want to continue tweaking something until it’s “fit” to post…when i know i should just post something. just get it over with.

quick like band-aid.

please bear with me while i try to grow up.

on a lighter note…or at least a different tune…i decided that i wanted to keep my daily dimes and my “regular” blogging separate, and since i have yet to make use of my blogger account, i think i’m going to be using it for said “regular” blogs. so now, if you’re bored and want to know what’s going on in my world you can go to http://snurffy.blogspot.com/ and maybe i’ll tell you. (c;

daily dime: .ephriam.

•May 14, 2007 • Leave a Comment

awoken by a strange sound, i opened my eyes.

i wasn’t at home in my bed and it took me a few moments to remember where i was. i looked up to the window above the bed i was lying in and took note of the dark blue sky.

the sun hadn’t risen yet. what was the sound that woke me up?

there it is again…someone is singing in a language i can’t understand.

patrick warned us that we’d hear the muslim prayers 5 times a day. they would sing them over a loud speaker that would flood the valley. slightly irritated by being woken up for a prayer that i was not going to participate in, i rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. it had been a long day and there was another long day waiting for me.

finally, after a time, the singer stopped and i breathed a sigh of relief. now i could sleep and hopefully be well-rested for the day.

but then i heard another noise. just outside my window. someone was working. preparing for the day. then i heard it. ephriam’s voice. deep and smooth, he began to sing a song who’s melody i knew well but the words were in a foreign tongue.

in the still of the morning before anyone was awake, he was spending his time alone in worship as he began his tasks for the day.

i felt strange for a moment. like i was invading a private moment. but the more he sang, the more my spirit was at ease. i began to think of king david. how he worshipped without ceasing.

it didn’t matter to ephriam that he had to be up hours before every one.

he just worshipped.

it didn’t matter to him that no one was there to hear his singing and acknowledge the work he was doing.

he just worshipped.

i smiled and drifted back to sleep…

he just worshipped.

daily dime: .5.5.7.

•May 7, 2007 • 3 Comments

Dark pavement.
Lights reflecting off every surface.
Rain dripping from my nose.
Tracing lines down my face.
Washing the world around me.

Dark stage.
Lights moving off every surface.
Music dripping from my ears.
Tracing lines around my heart.
Washing this mood inside me.

Dark smile.
Lights shining from the inside.
Laughter making me smile.
Tracing lines around my soul.
Washing the bleakness away.

daily dime: the day hell broke loose at sicard hollow.

•April 30, 2007 • 2 Comments

i heard the sound

but i couldn’t define it.

i saw the sight

but i couldn’t describe it.

i felt the feeling

but i couldn’t defeat it

i tasted the sky

and here i lay dying. 

**title / poem inspired by Maylene and the Sons of Disaster**

support the daily dime…http://dailydime.ning.com/

really. no shooting.

•April 25, 2007 • 2 Comments

so evidently, i’m a TOTAL slacker.  i know, i know, i can hear you gasp in shock.  steph?  slacker?  Never.   just like i’m never sarcastic. 

i still really want to participate in the daily dime, but have been reluctant to jump back in b/c i’ve felt really drained lately and don’t think i can manage much to write…let alone commit to writing something every day.  so…i’m going to be a rebel and make my own rules (the boys can vote me off the island if they want…but really, they’re nice boys and i’m sure they’ll put up with my crap). 

i am going to submit to the daily dime as much as i possibly can.  it might be every day.  it might be once a week.  heck.  it could even be twice a day if i was in the mood.  but i promise it will never be less that one submission a week.

please, as always, support the boys as they continue to write, write, write, and put me to shame.  (c; 

Gabe = http://typinghurts.blogspot.com/

Todd = http://initialdraft.blogspot.com/

Cuyler = http://yarnfactory.blogspot.com/

Steve = http://tactilecontact.blogspot.com/

Arthur = http://phantomsandshadows.blogspot.com/