.embrace.

feet pounding on the pavement. so hard my teeth are slamming together.

God, help me.

I run faster. Breathing is becoming increasingly difficult. Lungs tighten. The furnace begins to spread. The muscles in my stomach ache. My thighs and my calves are on fire; it spreads until I feel like every part of my body is burning.

Please.

Pushing myself, I continue to run. The pain is nothing. I embrace the pain. I need to feel something, anything other than this black hole through the center of me. The pain reminds me that I am still alive. I can still breathe. I can still fight. I will not go silently.

I am running from nothing. I am dying in this internal prison; waiting for someone pull me out. Watching helplessly as this disease consumes every good thing. I am running to remind myself that I’m still here. It hasn’t taken me. It hasn’t taken everything I love.

I don’t want to feel alone in this. I can’t do this alone. I can’t.

I want to talk to someone…to share the burden on my soul. But sharing this with someone else is unthinkable right now. I’m afraid that if I ask anyone to help me, it would surely break them.

I need You. I need to know that You’re there and that I’m not in this alone.

I feel a drop. cool and large on my forearm.

Then another…and another.

The clouds pour out and the rain envelopes my tired body and soul. It is the cool that tames the furnace in my soul. It is the comfort that soothes my burning body.

It is the embrace that I need.

a new day

so. it’s been a while since i’ve updated anything, written anything, done…anything.

so, i think i’m going to try to pick up writing on this here page once again. not going to set rules for myself (i.e. length, how often to post, etc.) and i don’t expect too many people to even come across this page, but i miss writing. i need to exercise the muscles before they atrophy and i lose all ability to form a coherent thought in written form.

daily dime: .rules.

sometimes this feels like a game. this life.
a game.
one who’s rules are a mystery to me and will remain so.
why do i pull away when it hurts? before it hurts?

not sure it will.

i just tell myself it will. i can justifiy it then.
i have an excuse. one big and looming.
hard and brittle and obvious so that no on can ask ‘why’.
they’ll feel bad for asking, and i’ll let them.
i don’t need your pity, but i can use it to my advantage.

how can i tell if you really care?
do i really want that?
will that take away my excuse to leave?

i wish someone would explain the rules.