sometimes this feels like a game. this life.
one who’s rules are a mystery to me and will remain so.
why do i pull away when it hurts? before it hurts?
not sure it will.
i just tell myself it will. i can justifiy it then.
i have an excuse. one big and looming.
hard and brittle and obvious so that no on can ask ‘why’.
they’ll feel bad for asking, and i’ll let them.
i don’t need your pity, but i can use it to my advantage.
how can i tell if you really care?
do i really want that?
will that take away my excuse to leave?
i wish someone would explain the rules.
so yeah. here we are, yet again. me slacking on the daily dime so much that i feel an apology is in order. i’ve just been so unmotivated to write as of late and it kind of sucks. i wish…oh how i wish…i had more faith in my ability to write something.
half of my inability to write comes from this nagging feeling that i have no idea what i’m doing and it’d just be easier if i left it up to those with talent (aka. the daily dimers). some days i feel like i’m just being a big baby and i need to get over myself and just write…so i do. but the next step is putting it out there for everyone, and that’s where i have difficulty. i want to continue tweaking something until it’s “fit” to post…when i know i should just post something. just get it over with.
quick like band-aid.
please bear with me while i try to grow up.
on a lighter note…or at least a different tune…i decided that i wanted to keep my daily dimes and my “regular” blogging separate, and since i have yet to make use of my blogger account, i think i’m going to be using it for said “regular” blogs. so now, if you’re bored and want to know what’s going on in my world you can go to http://snurffy.blogspot.com/ and maybe i’ll tell you. (c;
awoken by a strange sound, i opened my eyes.
i wasn’t at home in my bed and it took me a few moments to remember where i was. i looked up to the window above the bed i was lying in and took note of the dark blue sky.
the sun hadn’t risen yet. what was the sound that woke me up?
i hear it again…someone singing in a language i can’t understand.
patrick warned us that we’d hear the muslim prayers 5 times a day. they would sing them over a loud speaker that would flood the valley. slightly irritated by being woken up for a prayer that i was not going to participate in, i rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. it had been a long day and there was another long day waiting for me.
finally, after a time, the singer stopped and i breathed a sigh of relief. now i could sleep and hopefully be well-rested for the day.
but then i heard another noise. just outside my window. someone was working. preparing for the day. then i heard ephriam’s voice. deep and smooth; he began to sing a song who’s melody i knew well but the words were in a foreign tongue.
in the still of the morning before anyone was awake, he was spending his time alone in worship as he began his tasks for the day.
i felt strange for a moment. like i was invading a private moment. but the more he sang, the more my spirit was at ease. i began to think of king david. how he worshipped without ceasing.
it didn’t matter to ephriam that he had to be up hours before every one.
he just worshipped.
it didn’t matter to him that no one was there to hear his singing and acknowledge the work he was doing.
he just worshipped.
i smiled and drifted back to sleep…
he just worshipped.
Lights reflecting off every surface.
Rain dripping from my nose.
Tracing lines down my face.
Washing the world around me.
Lights moving off every surface.
Music dripping from my ears.
Tracing lines around my heart.
Washing this mood inside me.
Lights shining from the inside.
Laughter making me smile.
Tracing lines around my soul.
Washing the bleakness away.
i heard the sound
but i couldn’t define it.
i saw the sight
but i couldn’t describe it.
i felt the feeling
but i couldn’t defeat it
i tasted the sky
and here i lay dying.
**title / poem inspired by Maylene and the Sons of Disaster**
support the daily dime…http://dailydime.ning.com/
so evidently, i’m a TOTAL slacker. i know, i know, i can hear you gasp in shock. steph? slacker? Never. just like i’m never sarcastic.
i still really want to participate in the daily dime, but have been reluctant to jump back in b/c i’ve felt really drained lately and don’t think i can manage much to write…let alone commit to writing something every day. so…i’m going to be a rebel and make my own rules (the boys can vote me off the island if they want…but really, they’re nice boys and i’m sure they’ll put up with my crap).
i am going to submit to the daily dime as much as i possibly can. it might be every day. it might be once a week. heck. it could even be twice a day if i was in the mood. but i promise it will never be less that one submission a week.
please, as always, support the boys as they continue to write, write, write, and put me to shame. (c;
Gabe = http://typinghurts.blogspot.com/
Todd = http://initialdraft.blogspot.com/
Cuyler = http://yarnfactory.blogspot.com/
Steve = http://tactilecontact.blogspot.com/
Arthur = http://phantomsandshadows.blogspot.com/
new run of the daily dime coming soon. i’m lame and wasn’t ready to start on monday. i’m going to stick with my lameness and start in the middle of the week (wednesday).